When I was afraid.

There was a time when I was so afraid of the unknown that it consumed me, while I don’t live in that place anymore keeping the fear away will always be a work in progress.

When Sophie was diagnosed with Cri du Chat Syndrome I went through several phases before I reached acceptance. My first struggle was with denial, I just could not believe that this was happening to me. I did not want to have a sick child or a child with developmental delays. I was mad, mad at God and the world. I felt betrayed by God, I screamed at him a lot. I broke up with him, turning my back on my faith not understanding why he would do this to me.

With time that anger turned to fear, the anger began to dissipate very slowly and I began to breathe again. I became obsessed with the syndrome, I think deep down I was searching for answers as to why this had happened to my daughter, to me. I eventually realized my questions would have no answer that would satisfy me and I had to let it go.

I remember reaching out to a handful of parents via email when Sophie was only a few months old. Some responded, others did not but those that did respond were honest and through their words I could feel their pain. It scared the hell out of me. I was already scared of the unknown future that awaited me but now knowing how hard it could be terrified me. I never responded back to those parents because of fear. Later life would lead me to meet some of those parents face to face, the ones I had reached out to but never responded back too. And, they remembered me. I felt embarrassed that I never responded back to them after they took the time to write me through their pain. For that neglect I am truly sorry and I thank them for being so honest and letting me into their lives.

Now I am one of those parents. My daughter is growing older chronologically while her development is growing more and more delayed with each day. And it is HARD. But, the fear I had was so much worse than what my future has turned out to be.

When I was afraid it impeded my healing process. When I was afraid it shadowed the possibilities that lay ahead. I am no longer afraid. I have fear but am no longer afraid. I moved passed it and have hope, I refused to allow myself to be afraid all the time.

When I was afraid I wasn’t living, I was wandering through the dark searching for a glimmer of light. When I refused to be afraid for the rest of my life the light began to shine into my life again.

I am no longer afraid, it was not easy but I learned to accept and overcome my circumstances. Being afraid will only destroy you, I won’t let it destroy me. Ever again!


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