Love yourself, not your looks

We live in an era where young girls are taught that their looks are all that matter, and we have toddlers who are already obsessed with their looks. And it’s all society’s fault and by society I mean, all of us.

As young girls the notion that we must look perfect at all times is drilled into us either at home or with almost every social interaction we encounter or have encountered. Why? Because we live in a world that has been dominated by men, the very men who have made us think that we are less than them. We must be thin, we must have perfect hair, we must never leave the house without make up etc. Why? Who are we trying to please? The truth is women have been and are still being raised to believe they have to be porcelain dolls to please men for many years, until now. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and want him happy and I want him to feel proud that I am his wife but my goal is not to be beautiful for him. The truth is we should not be trying to please anyone other than ourselves nor should we be teaching these negative traits to our children.

Each of us is different, unique and special. Why not teach our children to love themselves and others. Let’s NOT teach our daughters and sons to grow up with negativity in their hearts and a senseless obsession to look like something they are not.

I grew up feeling ugly, I was thin so I remember making fun of my sister who was heavier than me. Yes that was cruel but when that is what you are taught is ok, than you don’t know otherwise. As I grew up and began to have children I began to gain weight, a lot of it. I struggled for a good fifteen years with depression, and a huge part of that was that I hated what I looked like. I was fat, period. And being fat was wrong, never mind that I was healthy I was fat and that’s all anyone could ever see so that is all I saw.

I put myself through dozens of diets, I lost weight a couple of times including sixty-five pounds in 2004 which required 2-4 hours of exercise daily. I still hated how I looked, my grandmother saw me one day and cried, she asked me to stop losing weight because I looked sick. And the crazy part was that according to the doctors charts I was still overweight.

I can now look back now and see how truly beautiful I was all along. I am beautiful, I have always been and it has nothing to do with my looks. It is my unconditional love for others, my extreme dramatics which fuel my passion, my ability to forgive and help others, my outgoing and fun personality and so much more. Those qualities are what make me beautiful but it does so from the inside out. It was always me, my looks are only a part of me they are not who I am.

Having Sophie helped me realize that difficult truth and after many years of self torment I can honestly say I love myself exactly the way I am. All my 208 lbs. I have cellulite, stretch-marks, a loose tummy and saggy boobs and that’s ok. Those are my medals of honor for creating six beautiful souls and nursing them with life. Every stretch mark and cellulite dimple are a part of my journey and I love them because they are a part of me.

I am healthy, I eat healthy and I am very active but yet I still weigh a lot and that’s ok. We are not all meant to be thin, sometimes genetics have a lot more to do with our physical makeup. My sister is now thin and I am the heavy one and that is totally ok with me because I love myself and her.

Instead of teaching our children to bully themselves why not teach them to be healthy. Eat fruits and vegetables instead of fast food, drink water or teach them to make natural juices or smoothies instead of soda and energy drinks. Let’s get our children off of electronics and out into the community, go to the park, volunteer or play sports. Let’s teach our children to live and love who they are because they are perfect the way that they were created.

I am a mom. I am thirty-five years old. I am not thin, I have wrinkles and I hate to wear makeup. I spend most of my days in jeans, t-shirts and converse. At home I’m always in my pajamas and most of them are all bleach stained and I love them! Some days I forget to fix my hair and I look hysterical and I’m ok with that. I don’t care what people think about me or my looks anymore and I have to say it is pure freedom. I love my curves’, all of them!

So learn to love yourself. If you really want to lose weight and be thin then do it. But do it for yourself not to because you are trying to please other people’s images of what you should look like. You can do anything you truly set your mind too.

Our ultimate goal as a society should be to be HEALTHY! We should teach love, acceptance and equality. Let’s teach our children to love themselves and others not what they see in the mirror.

 

 

Emily’s Sweet “16”

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I’m a month late with this post but, better late than never.

My daughter Emily has talked about having a Quinceanera (Sweet 15), for many years. She was around 9 years old the first time she brought it up. In the Hispanic culture it is an important transition for a young girl  and her family to celebrate her fifteenth birthday. It is a celebration where a young girl transitions into being a young lady, or señorita.

We had planned on a beautiful ceremony for Emily for many years, but after Sophie’s birth all the plans we had changed. Having to give up our financial stability we had to learn to live life in a different way, without all the luxuries.

Over the last few years Emily has been more of a support to me than I could have ever imagined, especially in the first three years of Sophie’s life. In those years when I was isolated, where seeing the sunlight was impossible on many days; Emily was there. She was a mini me, almost immediately she learned to jump in and clear her new-born sisters airway when she would be suffocating. She helped change diapers and would rock her sister to sleep, and in those dark moments when I couldn’t see past the darkness she was there. Emily was there to take her sister so that the baby would not absorb the defeated feelings I had.

She was there, through the laughs and the tears. She made sure she took a ton of pictures with the other kids so I wouldn’t miss those moments. She was there. And I would not have made it through some of the most difficult times of my life without her. My beautiful Emily.

And so, somehow with our move back to Florida the idea became a possibility, and then a reality. Thanks to some family members who volunteered amazing efforts we were able to give Emily that celebration she so longed for and deserved. I got to perform her pre-party photo session (one of my hobbies), and I got to make the cake and even cater the entire event. I even went as far as to have Emily share the father daughter dance with her brothers and I made a long embarrassing speech that had the entire crowd laughing and cheering.

The day turned out more beautiful than we had imagined, it was a day to remember. We were able to give her the dress she wanted and there were over a hundred people there to celebrate with us. More friends than actually family but most of my friends are my family. I didn’t invite any of my husband’s with the exception of Emily’s godparents because my husbands family have never had any interest in being a part of our lives. And my family, well let’s just say it’s the last time I extend invitations to a few many.

In the end the ones that mattered were there and it was Unforgettable!

 

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32 Pounds!

32 Pounds is what Sophie weighed today at her checkup. I was so excited! Dr. Nieves gave me a huge high-five. Keeping weight on this child has been such a challenge, seeing her maintain her weight and steadily increase is such a relief and a blessing. She is 3% for weight and 10% for height on a typical child growth chart, that is awesome! She is on the charts and has remained there, huge win for us. Stronger Sophie = Stronger Body = Better chance of fighting off bacteria. 

I am a little behind on doctors appointments, life has been so busy and I was just putting them all off, honestly; I just needed a break from it all. Sophie is doing really well, we are keeping her stable with all her meds and with isolation. As hard as it is keeping her home all the time we are adjusting, knowing it is literally keeping her alive is enough that we just moved on and just put that whole reality out of mind.

Dr. Nieves was there for my daughter’s sweet sixteen several weeks ago and spent the evening observing Sophie interact with everyone and is astounded at her developmental progress despite all the challenges Sophie has had to overcome. It’s so awesome to have the support of such a wonderful human being, and we are so lucky to have her as the head of Sophie’s medical team.

The only issue we came across is that now that Sophie is growing and getting pretty tall at almost 42″ her scoliosis is becoming visible, which means we will have to watch it closely. It’s hard to swallow that my five-year old already has noticeable scoliosis. Heart breaking, DAMN Cri du Chat Syndrome! But we will take it one day at a time and do whatever is necessary to help her and give her the best treatment possible.

At the end of the day the good news out weighed the bad and I will take it as it is. Nothing will break us or our positive attitude for life.

CLICK HERE For a short video of Sophie in the waiting room today, she is doing phenomenal!

 

 

Loving School

When I was thirteen years old I dropped out of school, I then went back at age fifteen to only drop out again when I learned I was pregnant with my eldest child. After his birth I was motivated to go back and get my diploma because I wanted to set a good example for him. As the years passed I always had regrets about dropping out and not having had the full-time school experience. And soon I would find out it was more than just the experience I felt I missed out on, I would soon learn my regrets were more about my direction in life and the bad choices I made at such a young age.

Seventeen years later…..

I am on week three of College for my AAS in International Baking and Pastry Chef and possibly something else right after that. I am absolutely loving it! I can’t believe it took me so long to get here, but I am so happy I just did it. No more excuses. It’s kicking my butt intellectually having to focus so much but it is so worth it.

For years I had talked about opening my own restaurant, being my own boss and creating beautiful dishes. As my passion for food grew I found a new niche for baking and pastries, while I for some crazy reason am not compelled to eat the sweets I found immense satisfaction in creating dishes for others. It was hard to pin point what direction I really wanted to take my life in; because I enjoy so many other activities like photography, design, event planning and writing among other things. But in the end I realized the kitchen is where I want to be and I made it happen.

My visions are becoming more and more clear with each day, and now my ideas and plans are expanding and multiplying. It’s only been three weeks and yet my mind is filled with fantastic new goals and visions for my future. I know I will be successful, I now have no doubt. It will take a lot of hard work and dedication but I know that I will succeed. This one huge step towards my dream was all I needed to set into motion all the wonderful things my future holds.

I have an awesome Chef Instructor! He may be a little OCD, but so am I. Maybe that’s why I like him so much, he is thorough and engaging and brings out the best in everyone in the class. My classmates work well together we have become a great team. I am not only learning, I am having a blast at the same time!

This was my group tonight in lab, we made biscuits. We had a ton of fun!

 

My normal

Sometimes life throws us in different directions, sets us on a path we never even considered taking. For me the game changer  was Sophie, my precious little girl, born with Cri du Chat Syndrome. I’ve talked about how hard it has been to adjust to my new life as a mother to a child with special needs and about my struggle to find my balance. It wasn’t until recently when I began the journey of finding my true self, without the mom or wife in me that I began to understand myself better. There were changes I began to make that would lead me to the place that I am now.

Letting go of the fear that my daughter can die was probably the hardest part of my emotional growth and one of the hardest fears I had to overcome, and although those fears are still somewhat present they no longer consume me. And in the process of letting go of those fears I found that I needed to pull away from certain connections, and so I did.

I found that being reminded that my child has a disability, constantly, was not healthy for me. Sharing her journey is important because through her I have had the privilege of helping others come to terms with acceptance of a loved one with special needs, and also because of her medical complexities she is a superstar in the medical field. There may one day be answers to questions that today go unanswered because of Sophie.

All that being said I don’t want to turn on the computer and see “SPECIAL NEEDS” plastered everywhere. Yes I want to raise awareness but I’m tired of the labels. I’m sick of doctors appointments and constant reminders of what my daughter can’t or is not supposed to do.

Instead I just want to live “My” normal life, I want to watch my daughter laugh and play and learn without the reminders that society does not deem her as an equal to those of us considered “typical”. Especially when the reality is she is stronger and has more determination and dedication than most of us. She fights to live and learn everyday despite how hard her body tries to shut it all down. I don’t want to think about how portions of her brain do not function, instead I only want to focus on the fact that is learning more and more each day.  I don’t care if it has taken three years to reach a milestone, the important and most valuable lesson is that despite the odds SHE DID IT and IS DOING IT!

All I want to think about is how beautifully she IS flourishing,  her brain is working. She knows enough to stand on her tip toes and try to look through a hole. She can use her hands to respond to you if you ask her if she wants something. She can hold your hand and take you to an item she wants. She can tilt her head back when asked in the bath tub when her hair is being washed. She can give you hugs, kisses and holds your hand, waves bye and will call me momma if she wants me. She will run and stand by the door at the first sight of me grabbing my shoes, keys or purse just waiting because she wants to go with me. There is truly so much I would love to brag about right now because I am so proud and because I see Sophie  for who she is, my daughter. But this would be a post with no end so I will keep it short. She is here, she is present, she is growing and learning. That’s enough.

At first I felt a little bit of guilt when I realized how much at piece I was without all the reminders, I felt bad thinking I wasn’t doing my part on raising awareness but I am. I am my daughters voice, I have this blog and I educate anyone whom I have the opportunity of educating. I may not stand up in front of thousands but I do enough and wanting the privacy and disconnect to move on to a better place is ok. If I am at peace and happy I can be a better mother, and that is my ultimate goal.

Why I pulled the plug

I recently decided to deactivate my Facebook page and I was immediately bombarded with messages from friends and connections wondering why? Well, there are several reasons I decided I needed to unplug.

Time. Let’s face it having certain social connections take up alot of time, time I cannot afford to waste as my days are very limited with all I have on my plate. I love to read articles which are always being shared or situations where I want to offer advice or lend an ear, but I find myself being drawn in and it affects how productive my days can be.

My kids. Now that I am disconnected while I barely have free time I don’t feel the need to constantly check my phone. Even when my messages or emails start chiming in I can put my phone down and give my kids those extra 5, 10 or 15 minutes because I am not glued to my devices and those minutes make a world of difference. And at the same time I am teaching them that time for them is more important that social media.

Emotions. I get too emotional in too many situations although they may not be my own I can feel the pain and recently found that some situations from others literally took my breath away. I found myself unable to pull myself together at one point for the pain I felt for another, I could not breathe and found myself crying a heavy endless river I could not control. It is a haunting feeling. I just can’t put myself there right now, I have my own fears and I don’t want to find myself in an emotionally compromised situation. I must stay in control as it is the only way I can get through my days.

Normalcy. While I love my special needs community I have gotten to a place where I just want to live my life without being reminded every second that I have a daughter with disabilities. Yeah she has special needs…so what? I just want to live my normal with out all the reminders, life is hard enough as it is to have to face the constant reminders of the struggles I face, have faced and will face in the future. I’m kind of sick of Cri du Chat Syndrome right now and PCD and Sensory Processing Disorder and all the other dozens of medical diagnoses I deal with on a day-to-day. I’m over it.

Privacy. I have realized I do enjoy my privacy, I used to share everything going on in my life and now I just don’t want to. I am surrounded by great friends and family and those who make the time and effort have the privilege of sharing my life with me. If you don’t make the time or effort for me then you don’t deserve to be a part of my everyday, period.

College. I start college in a few days and want to keep that my priority without any added distractions to my already busy days, I already have enough. I am going to bust my but to make my dreams come true, that means it is time to put everything out on the table and set my priorities in order.

Quiet. And the peace and quiet that accompanies the lack of social media involvement. I am one to read something and think about it for hours talking to myself subconsciously causing my brain to have no rest and emotionally draining myself. Now I have quiet moments where I can have a break between thoughts where my mind is at peace, I’m even sleeping better.

The world we live in travels a mile a minute, there is no sleep or quiet and everyone is on the go constantly but I have realized that is not how I want to live my life. Maybe I am just antiquated but I don’t want to be busy all the time. I want time to play, sleep and dream. Quiet to clear my mind and say a prayer without a mass of jumbled thoughts push its way through to destroy my concentration. I want to watch my kids play outside without thinking about video games and ask to play board games or watch movies together instead of sitting in their rooms on their phones. Disconnecting from one social media outlet is just a start.

For now I am very happy I disconnected, I am more at peace than I have been for a long time and I want to keep it that way.