For more than half of my life I have struggled with myself, with my existence; learning to let go of the chains that held me down was one of the most difficult challenges of my life. My childhood was difficult, by the time I was a teen I was lost emotionally and had no clue who I was or where I belonged. It was a journey that took me to some dark places, it led me to mistakes I could not possibly understand at that time and ultimately to grow up way too fast.
As the years passed my emotional struggle only became more difficult, the anguish and isolation I carried as a child only escalated into my adult life. I was easily angered and cried all the time and for everything. An argument would easily turn into a screaming match, my husband and I had a love hate relationship for many years; he loved me and I hated him for it.
When you are raised without the expression of love it can leave an emptiness deep inside of you, it consumes you. I had no relationship with my mother because from an early age I was well aware of how much she never wanted me, I don’t recall a loving embrace, compliment or words of encouragement from my family. And, it’s not their fault it’s just the way they are.
I lived most of my adult life longing for happiness and not understanding why I could not be the happy person I had always dreamed of being. I had a good man by my side, beautiful children, a good job and a nice home. And yet nothing, the torment was still there.
Then my daughter Sophie was born, her birth lead me to an even darker place until one day I just hit rock bottom. I tried to mask my hysteria, I even convinced myself of my own lie. Everyone around me always commented on how well put together I was, yet inside I was a raging mess of anger, heartache and tears.
In the last year I finally found the strength to meet with someone whom is now my life coach. It was the best decision and gift I could have given myself, it was then that I realized that I was my own worst enemy. I, and I alone had the power to change how I felt and make the changes in my life that were needed to truly be happy. And so I began the process of letting go, it started with an extensive conversation with my husband. It was time to accept responsibility for my mistakes and realize that I was using him as my emotional punching bag “figuratively, of course”. I then followed that process with forgiveness, I forgave myself for my own mistakes and forgave all those who had hurt me. Carrying all that anger and resentment was only poisoning me.
I then put my life goals out on the table, I was able to see myself for the first time and I could see where I wanted to be in my life and what changes I needed to take to get there, I was able to find my path. I also had to free myself of my attachment to my children, while they are my life the truth is I also want a little piece of personal space for myself. This also gave them the extra freedom they needed to begin to find themselves and today my three teenagers and I have a better relationship than we have ever had.
Letting go is a work in progress, but I love who I am today. I finally feel like I have grown to become the person I was always meant to be. I feel at peace with myself, I am happy and healthy and the best part is the anger is not there anymore.
Now, it’s not an instant fix, my life is far from perfect but it’s enough for me. I still have tough days and I am certain there will be many in my future but even through those days I continue to remind myself that only I can control the outcome of my happiness. Letting go of the past is just as important as letting go of the circumstances life throws at you that you ultimately have no control over. And equally as important as letting go of other people’s choices and negativity; I’ve learned how not to allow any of it to consume me anymore. In the end its my life, it’s my choice, and I am the one in control.