I am stronger because I am their mother.

It is hard to believe how I have evolved as a mother and as a woman, I always thought about the person I wanted to one day become but the years passed and I felt as if that person was a fictional character.

My difficult childhood took a toll on the person I wanted to become and there was a point in my life where I had given up on my own growth.  But with the birth of each of my children I rediscovered myself just a little more, each one of my children are like pieces of the puzzle of my life.  Each one of them taught me a little more about myself and I was able to see glimpses of that person I dreamed of becoming. The biggest lesson my children have taught me is the endless amount of love you can feel for a child, no matter how old they are. There are no words to describe the love I feel for them, it is immeasurable. To know and feel that you would trade your life in an instant for theirs without a second thought or fear is a grand experience.

Sophie’s birth changed me drastically, my precious girl with her mere existence was a really big piece of the complicated puzzle of my life. Her birth left me completely exposed, no more barriers, no more hiding; it was time to face life. Who was I? Did I truly know myself, or was I pretending to be someone else because I had no idea who I really was. Her birth  lead me down a path of emotional self-destruction, then a healing phase and what  followed was an awakening of my true self.

Sacrifices were made to give Sophie a fighting chance at life, but little did I know just how hard all of those changes would be for my family. The reality was much more scary than how I thought we would make it through. But we have pulled through and I am stronger than I could have ever imagined I could be. And in giving Sophie a voice I found my own. I discovered my inner self and realized that I could speak up, I could say no and close the doors to toxic relationships. I didn’t care anymore what others opinions of me were, it is my life not theirs. 

I learned to fight for my family and for myself, I came to learn what true friendships are and have a new-found respect and appreciation for life. I finally realized that I deserve more, and I was finally able to accept myself for who I am. I closed the door on many relationships including those with family members who only used me for their own agenda and as there guinea pig for spreading ugly lies because they thrive off of gossip.

I am now able to separate myself from groups that I felt did not support my needs or feelings despite my once dedication to them, I don’t need any of these situations that bring negativity into my life. I am now able to let them go without the need for explanations or apologies. I found my freedom in this new-found strength. A freedom that opened my eyes to reality, that not everyone is true or cares for you. I was always very gullible, but I am not anymore.

I found my strength to fight, and my voice to stand tall, I found the strength to love myself with all my flaws and be proud of the woman I have become. And I finally realized that I have become that woman I had always dreamed of and more.

My children fueled my desire to become greater, and they taught me the meaning of true and unconditional love. My determination to give my children the best and happiest life possible is what helped me move past what was limiting me.

So when I am faced with obstacles and I feel like the world is up against me I can reflect on how far I have come, how strong I truly am and I can keep moving forward. Being a mother has been the biggest accomplishment of my life and it has set the stage for me to want to grow more each day.

I would not be who I am without my children, all six of them!

I am stronger today because I am their mother.

Our Diagnosis and moving past it.

Over six years ago when I received my daughter’s diagnosis, I had no idea how that moment would change my life forever. My newborn baby girl was very sick and she had this rare genetic disorder that would most likely not allow her to live passed her first two years of life. And if we were lucky enough that she would survive she would not walk, talk or have the ability to have a productive life.

I focused on her diagnosis for quite some time until I began to realize it was not just her diagnosis, it was our diagnosis. This diagnosis took hold of my family’s life and slowly begin to break us down, it led to fear and down a road of little or no expectations. And it did because I allowed it to.

I am in no way an expert of being the parent of a child with different abilities, I continue to learn each and every day and one of the things I have learned is that just as our children are all different in their own ways so are we in the ways that we cope with our realities. My way of coping was acceptance and letting go.

When I focused on a diagnosis it hindered my expectations of my child, it limited her in my mind and that was unjust. Yes, my daughter has a rare genetic disorder, a terminal illness and she is developing skills at a different pace than most of the world but that is OK. I may never understand why she needs to spin every plastic bowl in my house constantly or why she needs to chew my furniture or why she pinches or bites when she is excited or overwhelmed. But I know that she is happy, that she is learning and that she is flourishing in her own way and for that I am grateful.

Today I find myself surprised at the way some are astonished with my daughters progress, I find myself saying to people “of course she understands and that she is not a baby anymore”. I assume it is because I see her for who she is, a six-year-old little girl, my little girl who is growing and learning against the odds.

People constantly ask me how I can function with the devastating truth that my child has a terminal illness or that she is not typical. The truth is that it is not easy but I don’t think about it. I live for today and tackle the obstacles we are faced as they arise. Tomorrow is never promised to anyone, despite whether a person is sick or healthy. If I allow fear and heartache to debilitate me than I am not only giving up my life but I am affecting the lives of my children and everyone who surrounds me. So I choose to just live with no strings attached to weigh me down.

This past Saturday I allowed Sophie to play outside on her trampoline on the patio for a little while, when dinner was ready I called her in. She stood there and stared at me for a moment, pondering what I was saying and what she wanted to do. She then walked up to me, closed the french door in my face and climbed back into her trampoline. She had a big smile on her face then waved “bye” at me. These are the moments I live for, the moments that she shines through. The moments that validate that letting go of the pain and labels enables me to fully understand and enjoy the value of her life and our journey.

Today Sophie can walk, she does not speak other than the occasional mama and the attempts at vocalization but she can communicate. Speaking is not the only way to have a voice and while I once believed that to be the only way I would ever understand my child I see now that those were the limits I was setting for her and us. Sophie does have a productive life and her life is essential to all of us who love her.

I had not realized how much like me she truly is, strong-willed and defiant. She is a fighter, she is kind and loving. She has taught me more in her six years of life than all the years I had lived before she blessed us with her arrival.

We have our diagnosis, we were given our labels. But I have chosen to move past it, I refuse to live within the confines of labels and little expectations. The world is a rainbow, I will embrace the different colors around me and let them shine, in the end life is what we make of it.

Everyday is a lesson

With each passing day there are new lessons that life can teach us. When you make a commitment and choose to change your mind, heart and soul to let go of hatred and negativity all you need is the will and you will succeed.

I am not perfect, nor do I pretend to be but I like the person I am today. When I look back to all my yesterdays I understand why so many mistakes were made. Accepting the mistakes I’ve made, forgiving myself and others have led me on a path of happiness.

I am happy, the happiest I have been in a very long time. My children are happy and calm, and our home is peaceful. I cannot even remember the last time I cried, that is a blessing. And I accomplished this serenity with a tremendous amount of faith and support from my wonderful husband.

Even though I am in a good place emotionally and spiritually is does not mean my life is perfect, I will have days that leave me drained and spent. Everyday circumstances can effect my moods and my energy level can also have a huge affect on me.

But, with each day and every encounter I have a choice. I can choose to be strong and forgiving or be angry and bitter. I am no longer angry and bitter. Life is too precious to waste one moment of it.

Take each day my friends and find the lessons life is giving you so that tomorrow will always be better than today.

If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present. ~ Buddhist Wisdom ~

Your almost 5.

Sophie. Your fifth birthday is only two months away, my heart is full of joy that you are still with us on this earth. From the day of your birth I have feared losing you. When we were told you would not live past the age of two and if you did that you would be in a vegetative state it shattered the dreams I had for you. There was so much heartache that I feared I would not be able to overcome the challenges we were gearing up to face. But today I can tell you that we have faced them and tomorrow will be another day with its own fight. We have fought for you as you have fought for your life. As a team, full of love and an unmeasurable amount of hope that has carried us to today.

You are going to be 5.

These almost five years since your birth have been the most difficult times of my life,  and yet they have also been some of the most beautiful ones. You my beautiful little girl are amazing! You are stronger than words can describe, you have the determination of millions in one tiny little soul. You are happiness and love.

You are my miracle.

You are my inspiration.

You are the reason I am the woman I see when I look in the mirror everyday.

With each day that passes I have new dreams for you. They may be not be the same dreams I once had for you because you my love are not the child I imagined you would be. You are unique as every individual is. I have new dreams for you, I wish for you to have a life full of happiness and health. That you may live to experience the world in all its beauty in your own way.  I dream of you growing into a beautiful young lady, watch you laugh and participate in life as you will always be surrounded by people who love you.

I know that your life will not have the same direction as the lives of your brothers and sisters. I know that you will grow and remain by my side. I know that your innocence will never cease and I love you exactly the way God made you.

You ARE my little girl. You ARE the little girl we had hoped for when we decided to add another child to our family.

You are perfection in the eyes of God and in my heart my sweet little girl. I pray that one day you will understand just how much you are loved. I pray that one day you may learn to know how much good your life has brought to this world.

You have changed me, you have changed us and you were a beautiful gift in disguise. Ahead of you is a limitless world full of opportunities that will never cease as long as you are still here with us.

I love you. We love you, ALWAYS!

There is always light

In a world full of darkness sometimes it is difficult to see the light.

But, there is light.

In a world where discrimination is everywhere, it is a scary unknown where the future will lead us. But there is light; it lies within those who speak it, who use their words to right a wrong. Those who are full on kindness and love and do not allow the darkness to shadow their light.

In a world where faith seems scarce and the world can feel Godless you can see the darkness shadowing above; then you cross paths with one person who has enough faith,  compassion and love to restore your hope that Goodness will prevail.

In a world where vanity, greed and self-preservation have become the priority in the lives of  those who surround us; we worry if humanity will survive. But then you realize there is still more good than bad, that there is more love than hate and you can feel the positive energies flowing through you if refuse to open your heart to darkness.

There is always light, you may find yourself wondering in the darkness but if you focus on the light you will always find your way to it.

If only

If only; life would have been different.

If only; you would have been born complete.

If only; you would be full of health.

If only; I could hear you speak.

If only; the world wasn’t so overwhelming for you.

If only; you could eat all kinds of foods.

If only; you had  healthy lungs.

If only; you could experience the world with freedom.

If only; I could watch you play with children your age.

If only; I knew what you were thinking.

If only; I knew if you loved me as much as I love you.

If only; I knew how you really felt about the world.

If only; I wouldn’t think about how it could have been.

If only…….