I’ve been focusing on emotional healing lately, it’s been overwhelming with so many different emotions running through me. Several weeks ago I decided it was time to see a doctor, it was one of the best decisions I have made in a very long time. I realized I was not in a good place and I needed to truly focus on self-healing. I agreed to take an antidepressant which helped me immediately, it was the best I had felt in a very long time but after several days I developed chest pains that became persistent. After a visit to the doctor she decided my meds needed to be changed.
The new meds made me feel awful but I decided to stick it out because I have a friend who is one them and after the side effects wore off they really have helped her. I was hopeful when the side affects began to dissipate and I started to feel somewhat better but then I developed horrible headaches. The doctor had told me to wean myself off of the meds if I began to feel off and so I did.
I have always had a fear of medication; I am somewhat a naturalist when it comes to sickness. Ironic isn’t it that I am the mother of a child that requires so much medical intervention? Despite my fears I would never deny my children any medical care that will keep them safe or healthy.
Anyhow, there is a reason I have always feared medication and now I understand why. At first I thought it was the fear of ending up like my mother, my mother is a prescription addict but I have just had horrible experiences with medicine having reactions to several different types of medications. I refused pain medication and opted for natural childbirth over and over again (with no regrets), of fear of the negative side affects I could suffer from the medication. In 2008 after an emergency appendectomy I had to be knocked out in order to control a severe reaction I had to the morphine I had been given for the pain, my husband and brother were already overly stressed because of the emergency nature of the situation. Today I honestly think it is my subconscious warning me of my sensitivity to medicines.
After much thought I have decided that despite how much better I have felt on the antidepressants I need to move forward without them. I cannot afford to take the chance of something bad happening to me. The last few weeks have truly helped me, feeling relaxed and calm have helped me more than I could have imagined.
I am now in a better place emotionally. I have direction, new goals and I feel as if I am me again. I feel as if those few weeks helped me find myself, it was just what I needed.
I believe I will always have my emotional downfalls but that is just a part of what my life will entail. The difference between then and now is that I am more aware and I know those emotions will not destroy me, I know I am strong.
For the first time in a very long time I feel like “Charity” again. I can see myself and I am happier and more relaxed. I may not be able to take the antidepressants but I am finally healing from within. I am in a much better place and I believe it will only get better from here.
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My Dance in the Rain 